Dr. David Rock coined the term ‘Neuroleadership’ and is the Director of the NeuroLeadership Institute, a global initiative bringing neuroscientists and leadership experts together to build a new science for leadership development. In his podcast about
Brain Science Behind Divorce, he shares very practical tips on how to deal with divorce explained by brain science.
Handle your strong emotions in a better way.Strong negative emotions, such as those experienced during a divorce, make logical decision-making challenging. When we are overwhelmed by strong emotions, the brain's prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thinking, is less active because resources are diverted to handling perceived threats. Think of it as a see-saw: when strong emotions consume more resources, less is allocated to working memory for rational thinking.
So, what can you do when strong emotions trigger? Once triggered, it's like being on a ride for a few hours—you can't undo it, similar to drinking two scotch whiskies on an empty stomach.
What you can do is intercept them before they kick in, when you know they're coming, and avoid putting yourself in situations where you know they're likely to happen.
For example, don't schedule a meeting at 5pm on a Friday evening when you know you'll be exhausted and easily upset. This technique is called reappraisal.But what if strong emotions kick in? One quick thing you can do is alter your interpretation of events. Yes, it's difficult to do once you're already upset, so you have to think about it ahead of time.
Consider different interpretations of the difficult conversation you're about to have. Think of it as an opportunity to gain some positive ground and achieve what you want. In divorce conversations, consider it an opportunity to show maturity to your children. Thinking of positive interpretations before entering a difficult conversation can reduce the likelihood that strong emotions will take over.
Timing of reactivity is also very important. Think of it like using your foot as a brake on a motorcycle: when you're stationary, you can use your foot as a brake, but once you're in motion, your foot as a brake is of little use. Similarly, when you're emotionally stable, use the reappraisal technique early, within the first 30 seconds of a situation. You must act quickly and be observant.
Remember, being tired and sick reduces your ability to reappraise effectively.
So, have difficult conversations early in the day or early in the week when you're well-rested, in a suitable place, and have eaten. You're more likely to have positive conversations.Always have a positive goal before entering a difficult conversation.It’s more effective form of reappraisal. A goal could be wanting to make progress on one aspect to solidify the relationship and move forward.
For example, one difficult and very important question is how do you want the separational divorce look like? Agree on the rules of the road - what you want your relationship to be like, whether civil or friendly.Agree on shared common goals.The more you agree on shared common goals with your divorce partner, the easier it is to maintain a positive state. Always articulate these goals early and frequently revisit them.
Shared goals keep people in the same team rather than opposite team. Divorce is a strange feeling for the brain like before you were in the same team with this person but now you are in the opposite team. But when you have shared goals, you come in-group with the person.
A shared goal can be we want to have a divorce in a way that kids are not just okay but are impressed with our skills.Research shows that when you work towards achieving something together, you tend to process what the other person says more effectively and engage more accurately. Therefore, identify shared goals to navigate this challenging period of divorce effectively. Brain does not allocate resources to the opposing team because we want that person to lose and lack empathy for the person. This cognitive shift is how partners in divorce may transition from seeing each other as lovers, partners, or co-parents to enemies. It's crucial to address this progression carefully.
Here are three examples of good common goals during divorce:- We want to achieve X in the next six months.
- We aim to keep legal bills under X amount.
- We want our children to be proud of how we handle this situation.
Agree on these goals and revisit them regularly. Once established, they provide a structured framework for every conversation.
Respond to SCARF, don’t react to it:Research says brain is always tracking 5 situations all the time in a social environment which are SCARF- Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness. Status is who is better, Certainty is clarity about what is happening here, Autonomy is feeling of control, freedom of taking choices, Fairness is feeling treated being with fairness and cheating.
Understanding SCARF can help you navigate difficult conversations during divorce.
- Identify Triggers: Recognize when either you or your ex-partner is reacting strongly to one of the SCARF factors.
- Respond, Don't React: Seek or provide clarity, offer choices, and strive for fairness to help manage strong emotions.
For example, if your ex seems fixated on who gets "better" possessions (Status), you can offer them more control over choosing specific items (Autonomy). 