Surviving Abuse: Unpacking the Who, What, and Psychology Behind

Healing from abuse is a journey that can feel like standing at the base of a mountain, unsure where to begin. The first step is always the hardest; but it’s also the most courageous. In this blog series, we’ll walk with you through the journey of surviving abuse, offering understanding and support along the way.

In the first part, we’ll first explore what abuse truly is. Well, it's more than just harm, it’s the misuse of power and control. Then, we'll talk learn about the science and psychology behind the trauma and the symptoms many survivors face, like anxiety, fear, and self-doubt. Yes, these are not just "effects"; they are the body and mind’s response to surviving something deeply harmful. Another essential thing we will discuss is why survivors often hesitate to share their stories and understand why they are afraid they won’t be believed or that their pain will overwhelm others. But recognizing and understanding these feelings is a crucial part of healing.

Then in the second part, we’ll dive into how abuse affects our body, thoughts and behaviours and some practical ways to help yourself or support someone you love who’s been through abuse.

"The road to recovery is long, but each step brings you closer to reclaiming your life."

At its core, abuse is when someone uses their power or control to harm another person. This harm can be physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, or even financial. Abuse can happen in relationships, families, workplaces, or social settings, and it often leaves lasting scars—both visible and hidden.

Examples of abuse:

• Physical abuse: Hitting, slapping, or physically restraining someone.
• Emotional abuse: Manipulating, constantly criticizing, or making someone feel worthless.
• Psychological abuse: Gaslighting, where the abuser makes the victim doubt their reality.
• Verbal abuse: Using words to demean or threaten someone.
• Sexual abuse: Forcing someone to engage in sexual acts without consent, unwanted touching, or sexual harassment.
• Financial abuse: Controlling someone’s money, preventing them from working, or restricting their access to financial resources.

• Myth: Abuse only happens if it’s physical.

Truth: Abuse comes in many forms, including emotional, psychological, sexual, and financial harm.

• Myth: If they didn’t leave, it can’t be that bad.

Truth: Leaving an abusive situation can be incredibly difficult due to fear, financial dependence, or emotional attachment.

• Myth: Only women experience abuse.

Truth: People of all genders, ages, and backgrounds can experience abuse.

• Myth: Abusers are always angry or aggressive.

Truth: Some abusers may appear calm and charming in public, while the abuse happens behind closed doors.

A survivor is someone who has gone through something really difficult or hurtful and is still standing strong. In the case of abuse, a survivor is anyone who has experienced abuse and continues to move forward, whether or not they’ve reported it or spoken out about it.

Or another way to say this is abuse survivor refers to individuals who have lived through abusive situations and are navigating the emotional and psychological aftermath. Survivors often carry the impact of their experiences long after the abuse has ended, dealing with complex emotions and challenges on their path to healing.

Understanding survivors:
Before we start understanding survivors, it's essential to recognize that their experiences are far from uniform. Each survivor’s journey is unique, shaped by various factors such as the type of abuse they faced, their background, and the support systems available to them. Survivors of abuse come from diverse backgrounds and walks of life, and abuse can take many forms. Some may have endured physical harm, while others have faced emotional manipulation or sexual violence. This variety emphasizes a vital truth that being a survivor is not defined by the specific nature or severity of the abuse. Instead, it is defined by the remarkable resilience and strength that survivors display as they navigate their healing journey.

• Example 1: A person who experienced emotional abuse in a relationship but never told anyone or reported it to the police is still a survivor. They’ve lived through the abuse, even if it was kept private.
• Example 2: A child who was bullied at school and felt powerless because of constant verbal and physical attacks is also a survivor, even if the situation didn’t reach the authorities or go to court.

Key points to remember:

• Survivors don’t need to have reported their abuse to be valid. Abuse can be a deeply personal experience, and not everyone chooses to go to the police or tell others.
• Survivors come in all forms. It’s important to understand that victims and survivors are not a single, homogeneous group. Abuse does not only affect one type of person. Men, women, children, and even entire communities can be victims of abuse. They can be individuals; like someone who has lived through domestic violence, or communities, such as a group facing racial or cultural oppression.
• Victimisation is a complex process. It can be a one-time event or a complex process that unfolds over time, involving multiple stages. And survivors experience and express different feelings at different stages. These emotions influence their choices along the victimisation process like some may feel anger, fear, or guilt at different points.
• Every survivor’s journey is unique. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to respond to abuse, and the voice and choices of survivors must always be respected. Remember, no two survivors respond the same way.

"Being a survivor is a life-altering and deeply personal experience, one that no one chooses but must learn to navigate in their own way."

The words we use to describe people who have gone through traumatic experiences can shape how we think about them and how they see themselves. Traditionally, the word "victim" has been used to describe someone who has been harmed, whether by a crime, abuse, or other traumatic events. You’ll see it in legal systems, the media, and everyday conversations. But while "victim" is a common term, it often carries a lot of negative weight. Let's see how.

Being called a "victim" can make someone feel powerless, passive, or weak. The term has connotations of being broken, stuck in trauma, or defined by what happened to them. For many, this image feels limiting. That's why there's been a shift toward using the word "survivor" instead. This new term focuses not on the harm, but on the strength, resilience, and recovery of the person. It’s empowering. It’s about overcoming.

Take, for example, the difference in these two statements:

• "She’s a victim of abuse" makes it sound like her identity is tied to what happened to her.
• "She’s a survivor of abuse" emphasizes that she’s moved through it, showing her strength in the face of adversity.

The idea of being a survivor is about reclaiming control and finding a path forward, even after something deeply painful. The word has gained widespread use, not just in abuse contexts but in pop culture as well. Think about the song "Survivor" by Destiny’s Child or the reality TV show Survivor. It’s about facing challenges head-on and coming out on the other side.
However, the term "survivor" isn’t universally embraced. Some people feel pressure to live up to the idea of "surviving and thriving," when in reality, they may still be struggling to cope. Not everyone is ready to take on that identity. For some, healing is not a linear process, and the term survivor may feel too optimistic or dismissive of their pain.

What’s important is recognizing that both terms "Victim and survivor" carry a meaning. For some, being called a victim is a valid recognition of the harm they’ve endured. For others, being labeled a survivor gives them hope and strength. The key is to understand that language matters and that people should have the choice to define their own experiences. Whether someone identifies as a victim or a survivor, we need to respect their journey and their voice.

"Respecting how each person defines their experience is what really matters."

Survivors of abuse often choose not to share their experiences due to the harmful reactions they receive from others. These reactions can be discouraging and disempowering, making it even harder for them to speak out. Here are some key reasons why survivors stay silent:

1. Victim-blaming:
Survivors are often made to feel as if the abuse was their fault. People ask questions like, "Why didn’t you leave?" or make comments such as, "You should’ve been more careful." This shifts the responsibility away from the abuser, leaving survivors feeling ashamed and guilty for something they didn’t cause.

2. Stigmatizing behavior:
Sometimes, after disclosing abuse, survivors are treated as if they’re somehow "damaged" or different. People distance themselves or act as if the survivor is fragile. This stigmatization leads to isolation, making the survivor feel like they don’t belong.

3. Egocentric reactions:
Instead of offering support, people focus on their own feelings, expressing shock or anger. They may say things like, "I can’t believe this happened to you!" while neglecting the survivor’s emotional needs. These egocentric responses make the survivor feel like their pain is secondary.

4. Distraction from the problem:
Some survivors are told to "move on" or "stop thinking about it." These responses minimize the survivor’s distress, implying that their feelings aren’t valid. This can make survivors feel like their pain is an inconvenience to others, discouraging them from sharing further.

5. Loss of control and autonomy:
When survivors do speak out, they sometimes lose control over their own story. Others might take charge, making decisions for the survivor or sharing their experience without permission. This takes away the survivor’s autonomy, making them feel infantilized - as though they are no longer capable of making their own choices. When control over their story is taken away, survivors may retreat into silence to avoid further disempowerment.

Talking about abuse and supporting survivors is not just important but it’s essential. Let's see why; the consequences of victimization do not simply fade away when the abuse stops. Instead, survivors often carry the burden of their experiences long after the events have ended. The trauma they endure can leave deep psychological, physical, and social scars, rippling through their lives and sometimes echoing across generations. For many survivors, the aftermath of abuse manifests in various ways. They may grapple with mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This stress and trauma can take a toll on their physical health, affecting everything from their immune system to their overall well-being including economic stability. This is especially true for vulnerable groups like those living in poverty, young people, individuals with disabilities, and members of the LGBTQI+ community.

When such severe impact of abuse stays for long, they leave survivors more susceptible to further abuse. And the scars of abuse can deepen further when survivors face silence or disbelief from those around them. The message is clear here the more we remain silent, the more we inadvertently reinforce the cycle of victimization. This cycle can be challenging to break.

The only way to stop this cycle is to talk about it and provide necessary support or resources to survivors to heal and protect themselves.

The power of conversation:
When survivors encounter empathy, compassion, and genuine support, it can dramatically change their healing journey. Providing emotional support like listening without judgment and affirming that the survivor is not to blame, can significantly lessen the severity of mental health challenges like PTSD, anxiety, and depression.

In addition to emotional support, practical help also plays a vital role. Sharing right resources, taking them to healing centres or assisting them in exploring their options to available services can profoundly impact their healing process. These acts of kindness not only make survivors feel understood, but they also empower them to regain control over their lives.

Make sure we follow victim/survivor-centred or led approach while talking about abuse and help being offered. In Victim/Survivor centred approach, the victim/survivor’s wishes, safety and well-being remain a priority in all matters and procedures. While Victim/survivor-led approach equips and empowers survivors to take a leadership role in their own life.

Abuse affects survivors in many different ways, impacting not just their mental and emotional well-being, but also their physical health, social relationships, and even financial stability. Let’s break down the common symptoms into four main categories: physical, emotional, behavioral, and social impacts.

• Physical symptoms:

Abuse can take a heavy toll on the body, even if there are no visible injuries. Survivors may experience physical reactions, including:

• Tension in muscles: Constant stress can cause muscles to tighten, leading to pain and discomfort.
• Tiredness and exhaustion: Fatigue from emotional stress can leave survivors drained.
• Headaches: Stress, anxiety, and trauma often lead to chronic headaches.
• Changes in breathing: Shortness of breath, tightness in the chest, or irregular breathing patterns.
• Rapid heartbeat: Anxiety and fear can cause heart rates to spike.
• Digestive issues: Symptoms like diarrhea or loss of appetite are common reactions to trauma.
• Other physical pains: General discomfort or unexplained body aches.

• Emotional and psychological symptoms:

Abuse can leave deep emotional scars. Survivors often grapple with a wide range of emotions:

• Hopelessness: Feeling like there’s no way out or that the future holds no promise.
• Guilt and self-blame: Survivors may wrongly feel responsible for the abuse.
• Depression and anxiety: These mental health challenges can emerge as a direct result of trauma.
• Panic attacks: Sudden overwhelming anxiety, often triggered by reminders of the abuse.
• Mood swings: Emotional ups and downs can be hard to control.
• Nightmares: Disturbing dreams that replay traumatic events, causing restless nights.
• Loss of self-confidence: Abuse can make survivors feel worthless or insecure.

Behavioral changes:
The trauma of abuse can also lead to significant changes in behavior, such as:

• Increased smoking or drinking: Using substances to cope with the emotional pain.
• Overworking or avoiding work: Some survivors immerse themselves in work to distract themselves, while others struggle to maintain daily responsibilities.
• Self-neglect: Avoiding self-care or personal hygiene.
• Self-harm: In some cases, survivors may turn to cutting or other forms of self-harm as a release.
• Changes in eating patterns: Either overeating or losing the desire to eat.

Social and economic impact:
Abuse doesn’t just affect the individual; it can also impact their relationships and financial stability:

• Social isolation: Survivors may withdraw from friends, family, and community, fearing stigma or judgment.
• Stigma and discrimination: In some cultures, survivors may face blame, rejection, or even be shunned by their communities.
• Financial strain: Medical bills, therapy costs, and lost wages can lead to long-term financial hardship. In severe cases, the impact can last for generations.

Understanding the wide-ranging effects of abuse is critical for recognizing how deeply it can affect survivors in every aspect of their lives.

"Abuse isn’t just a moment—it’s a ripple that impacts health, emotions, relationships, and even financial well-being for years to come."

Why do survivors react the way they do during abuse? The answer lies in the fascinating and complex science of our brains—specifically, how the brain handles threats.

Imagine this: your brain is like a security system, always on alert for danger. At the center of this system is a small, almond-shaped part of your brain called the amygdala. The amygdala’s job is to scan everything around you and look for anything that feels threatening. Think of it like a smoke detector, constantly checking for signs of fire.

Now, when the amygdala senses danger, it acts fast—before you even realize what’s happening. It sends out an emergency signal to the hypothalamus, which floods your body with hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. These are your defense hormones, and they prepare you to handle the danger.

But here’s where it gets interesting: your brain doesn’t have time to stop and weigh all your options. Instead, it triggers one of five automatic survival responses, often known as the "Five Fs":

1. Fight: You get ready to defend yourself.
2. Flight: You try to escape the situation.
3. Freeze: You stay still, hoping the danger passes.
4. Friend (or fawn): You try to calm the situation by being agreeable.
5. Flop: You "play dead," becoming limp or unresponsive to avoid further harm.

These reactions happen in a split second. Let’s use an analogy to make this clearer: think of how animals in the wild respond to predators. A rabbit, for example, might freeze when it spots a fox, hoping the fox doesn’t see it. Or some animals pretend to be dead to avoid attack just like the “flop” response in humans.
During trauma, like abuse, the first two options, fight or flight are often too risky. Trying to fight back or run might only increase the danger. That’s why freeze, friend, or flop are more common. These responses are designed to minimize harm in the moment. The brain’s only goal is survival, it doesn’t stop to think about the emotional or psychological aftermath.

Once the immediate danger has passed, the amygdala starts sending signals to the rational part of your brain, the cortex and hippocampus. This is the part that helps you think logically and process what just happened. But by then, the instinctive response has already taken over. This is why, during and after trauma, it’s common for survivors to feel confused, numb, or even powerless.

Over time, if the brain learns that a certain response leads to survival, it might keep using that response, even in less dangerous situations. For example, someone might freeze or fawn in response to minor stressors because their brain has been conditioned to do so. This heightened state of awareness can lead to anxiety, while repeated "flop" responses can lead to a feeling of emotional numbness.

In essence, these survival responses have evolved to protect us, even if they leave emotional and psychological scars. The brain's ability to react instantly without waiting for rational thought can save lives in the moment, but it also explains why survivors often struggle with lasting effects.

Now that you have a clearer understanding of what it means to be an abuse survivor and why survivors respond the way they do, you may be wondering, "What next?" If you're an abuse survivor, how can you begin to manage the trauma? Or, if someone close to you is a survivor, how can you offer meaningful support?
These are important questions, and the good news is that there are several techniques and strategies to help manage trauma, both for survivors and those supporting them. In the next part of this blog series, we will dive deeper into how abuse affects survivors, exploring their thoughts, emotions, and physical responses and most importantly, how to manage these effects.
So, stay tuned! The next part will provide practical tools for navigating this difficult journey, whether you're healing yourself or helping someone else.