Helping Abuse Survivors: Practical Phrases & Supportive Responses

Welcome to the second part of our blog series on abuse survivors. In this post, we’re sharing practical phrases and tips on how to genuinely help someone who has experienced abuse. Whether a survivor opens up to you or you learn about their experience in another way, one thing is certain: your response can have a profound impact. Words are powerful; they can either uplift and support healing or unknowingly deepen the wounds.

Consider this: One in five adults has experienced some form of abuse in childhood. It’s highly likely you know someone who has lived through such trauma. (Source: napac.org)

But do you know how to respond in a way that truly helps them heal? Often, despite our best intentions, we fumble with our words or take actions that can hurt more than help. As Maya Angelou said, "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." So, your empathy, or lack of it, will be remembered long after the conversation ends.

This blog will guide you through mindful ways to respond and support an abuse survivor, showing how even small phrases can make a significant difference in their healing journey. But beyond learning these tips yourself, it’s crucial to share them within your circle. Spreading this awareness in our workplaces and communities helps build a world where survivors feel safe, supported, and truly understood.

Imagine a world where everyone knows how to respond with compassion, where empathy is the norm, and where survivors can find the strength to heal surrounded by kindness and support. By sharing these resources, you’re helping to create that world; one conversation at a time.

Here is link to the first blog in this blog series on abuse survivors.

How to support or respond to an abuse survivor:

1.Listen with full attention:
When someone opens up to you about their experience, the most important thing you can do is to truly listen. Give them your full, undivided attention and make sure they know that you are hearing what they say. This means not interrupting or getting distracted. Just focus on their words and feelings without judging them. It's crucial not to ask "why" questions or make assumptions about their choices or the situation they are in. Instead, listen to what they want to share and respect their pace.

Example:
"Correct me if I’m wrong, but what I’m hearing you say is that you’re feeling hurt and betrayed."
By saying this, you show that you're actively listening and trying to understand their emotions.

Phrase to use:

“What you’re saying is important to me.”
“I want to understand your experience, so please share what you feel comfortable with.”
“It sounds like you’re going through a lot, and I’m here to hear you out.”
“I’m here for you, and I’m listening.”
“What happened to you doesn’t define who you are.”

Phrases to avoid:

“I know how you feel.”
“You should have done this differently.”
“Just focus on the positive.”
“You’re being too sensitive. You shouldn’t feel that way.”
“You need to stop talking about it.”

2.Believe them:
It takes immense courage and strength for someone to open up about any assault or abuse. One of the most powerful things you can do is let them know you believe them. Acknowledging their experience and showing that you trust their words makes a huge difference in their healing journey. Survivors often worry that they won’t be believed, so your support can help ease that fear.

Example:
"I feel honored that you shared this with me. It took so much courage to talk about it. I believe you, and I want you to know that this was not your fault. I’m so sorry you had to go through this."
These words offer both validation and comfort, helping them feel seen and supported.

Phrase to use:

“I believe you, and I’m glad you shared this with me.”
“It took a lot of courage to open up, and I appreciate your trust.”
“Your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard.”
“It’s really brave of you to talk about this.”
“You don’t have to explain or justify what happened. I trust you.”

Phrases to avoid:

“Are you sure that really happened?”
“You must be exaggerating.”
“It doesn’t sound that bad.”
“I can’t believe someone would do that.”
“That’s not how I would have reacted.”
“Why didn’t you fight back?”

3.Use their own words:
When supporting a survivor, it's important to follow their lead in how they describe their experience. If they don’t use certain words, like "rape" or other specific terms, don’t introduce them yourself. Using their language helps them feel in control of their own story and prevents adding unnecessary emotional weight. Respect the way they choose to express themselves, as it's a key part of their healing process.

By mirroring their words, you show that you’re truly listening and honoring their feelings without imposing your own interpretations.

Phrase to use:

“Can you share more about how you see this?”
“It sounds like you’re describing a really tough situation.”
“I want to use the words that feel right to you.”
“When you described it as ‘traumatic,’ I can see that it really affected you. Would you like to talk more about that?”
“If it feels okay, can you tell me more about the ‘confusion’ you mentioned?”

Phrases to avoid:

“But everyone calls it that.”
“I think what you meant was…”
“Don’t you think you should use stronger words?”
“That’s not how I would describe it.”
“You must be confused about what happened.”

4.Ask before touching or hugging:
Survivors of abuse may be sensitive to physical contact, even from loved ones, due to the trauma they’ve experienced. While it’s natural to want to comfort someone by giving them a hug, it’s crucial to ask for their permission first. A simple question like, "Is it okay if I hug you?" can help them regain a sense of control over their body, which is a vital part of healing.

Respect their response, even if they say no. By asking first, you’re not only offering comfort but also giving them the power to choose what feels right for them.

Phrase to use:

“I want to respect your space; how can I support you right now?”
“If you want to hold hands or need a comforting touch, just let me know.”
“I understand if you’re not comfortable with touch; I’m here for you either way.”
“I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. If a hug would help, let me know.”
“I can see you’re going through a tough time. Would you like some comfort, or would you rather talk?”

Phrases to avoid:

“You look like you need a hug.”
“It’s just a hug; what’s the big deal?”
“Don’t you trust me enough to hug?”
“Why don’t you want to be touched?”
“If you don’t let me hug you, I’ll feel rejected.”

5.It’s Okay if they tell you much later:
Survivors might take days, weeks, months, or even years to talk about what happened to them. And that’s completely okay. The timing of their disclosure doesn’t reflect on you, but rather on their own readiness and comfort.

Avoid saying things like, "Why didn’t you tell me sooner?"; it can make them feel judged or rushed. Instead, focus on supporting them now that they’ve opened up. They’ve chosen to share this with you when they felt ready, and that’s what matters most.

Phrase to use:

“It’s perfectly okay to share this whenever you feel ready.”
“Your timing is your own; I’m just glad you chose to share with me.”
“You don’t have to rush; your healing is a personal journey.”
“I’m grateful you felt comfortable sharing this with me now.”
"Its your story, you own it."

Phrases to avoid:

"I thought we were closer than that."
"Are you sure you remember it correctly after all this time?"
"Why are you bringing this up now?"
"I had no idea; you didn’t seem affected."
"If it was really that bad, you would have said something earlier."

6.Remind them it’s NOT their fault:
Survivors often struggle with feelings of guilt or shame, even though they did nothing wrong. They might blame themselves, wondering if they could have done something differently. It's crucial to remind them, over and over if needed, that the fault lies entirely with the perpetrator, not them.

Saying things like, “This is not your fault. Someone else made a terrible choice, and you did not deserve this,” can help release some of that burden and speed up the healing process.

Phrase to use:

"You didn’t deserve this. No one does."
"You were put in an impossible situation, and it’s not your fault."
"You didn’t ask for this, and you couldn’t have predicted it."
"I hope you know that nothing you did justifies what was done to you."
"You didn’t choose this, someone else did. They’re the one who did something wrong."

Phrases to avoid:

"You shouldn’t have been there in the first place."
"Why didn’t you leave sooner?"
"I can’t believe you let that happen to you."
"You should have known better than to trust them."
"At least it wasn’t worse."

7.Support their decision-making:
One of the most damaging aspects of abuse is how it strips survivors of their sense of control. Regaining that control is a vital part of healing. You might feel you know what’s best for them, but it's essential to let them decide what's right for them at their own pace.

Whether it’s about reporting the incident, seeking therapy, or making other life changes like moving to a new place, let them take the lead. You can say, “I want you to make decisions that feel right to you. I’m here to help you think it through or share ideas if you want, but I’ll support whatever you decide.”

Phrase to use:

"You are in control, and I’m here to help in any way you need."
"Whatever you decide, I’ll stand by you."
"Let’s talk through the options together, and you can decide what feels best for you."
"Your feelings are valid, and whatever you choose to do next is up to you."
"I’m here to support any decision you make, whether it’s reporting the abuse, seeking help, or just taking a break for now."

Phrases to avoid:

"You should report this, it's the only way to move on."
"You need to confront the person who did this to you."
"If I were you, I’d move out right away."
"You must go to therapy; you can't deal with this on your own."
"If you don’t report this, it could happen to someone else."
"You can't just do nothing about this."
“What’s wrong with you for not deciding yet?”

8.Respect privacy:
When a survivor shares their story with you, they are placing an immense amount of trust in you. It's essential to honor that trust by keeping their disclosure private. Survivors need to feel safe knowing their experience won’t be shared without their consent.

However, there are situations where you may need to involve others to ensure the survivor's safety. For instance, if the victim is a child, or if there's a risk of harm to the survivor or others, you may need to seek additional help. Even in these cases, it's important to be as transparent as possible with the survivor about the steps you need to take.

Phrase to use:

“I respect your need for privacy, and I won’t share anything without your permission.”
“Thank you for trusting me with this; I’ll keep it confidential.”
“You can share as much or as little as you want; it’s your story.”
“If there are times when you feel like telling someone else, I’ll support that.”
"I understand that this is deeply personal. If you ever feel like you want to share more, or less, that's entirely your choice."

Phrases to avoid:

“You can tell me anything, I won’t share it.”
“I can keep this a secret.”
"This is too big to keep to yourself, you need to tell everyone."
"People are going to find out eventually, so you might as well tell them."
"If you don’t tell your boss/HR, I will."
"I won’t tell anyone, but I need to talk to someone about this."
"I think your family needs to know what happened."
"Don’t worry, I’ll be discreet, but I might mention it to my therapist/friend for advice."

9.Provide helpful resource information:
Supporting a survivor also means making sure they have access to the right resources. Gently ask if they’re aware of helpful services, like 24-hour crisis lines, sexual assault service providers, or websites. You can also share information about therapy sessions, useful reading materials on healing and trauma, or organizations that specialize in supporting abuse survivors. Offering these resources shows your care, while respecting their choice about whether to use them.

For those looking for confidential, judgment-free mental health help, services like Stamina AI offer chatbot-based therapy. It’s a safe space where survivors can reach out anonymously and talk through their experiences or seek support for their mental health at their own pace. Just make sure they know these options exist, and that you support whatever path they choose to take on their healing journey.

Phrase to use:

“Do you have any resources or support systems in place?”
“If you’re open to it, I can help you find information on local support services, hotlines, or therapy options.”
“I’ve heard about some great resources that might be helpful for you. Would you like me to share them?”
"A friend of mine went through something similar and found a lot of support through (resource/course/therapy). It really helped them in their healing journey. If you’d like, I can share more information, or even connect you with them if you want to hear about their experience."
“If you’re interested, there are also therapy sessions and online resources, like Stamina AI, that offer confidential support.”

Phrases to avoid:

“You should look into this on your own.”
“You need to act quickly, or you might regret it.”
“I don’t think you need therapy.”
"You really should try this therapy/resource, it worked for someone I know."
"If you don’t do something now, it might get worse."
"I think this is the best option for you."

10.Know your limits as a helper:
It’s natural to want to be the rock for your friend or family member when they’ve been through something as traumatic as sexual assault or abuse. But it’s important to recognize your own limits. You may not have all the answers, and that’s okay. Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is guide them toward professional help, like a trained therapist or sexual assault advocate. This doesn’t mean you care any less; it means you understand that they might need specialized support that you can’t provide.

When expressing this, use empathetic language to show that you’re still there for them. You could say something like, "You’ve been through so much, and I want to be here for you. But I also feel like what you might need right now is outside of my expertise. I’ve heard great things about (name of program), and I’d be happy to help you connect with them if that feels right to you." This way, you’re offering more support while acknowledging your own limits.

Phrase to use:

“I want to support you in the best way possible, but I’m not a trained professional. Have you considered talking to a therapist or an advocate?”
“I’m here for you, but I might not have all the answers. Let’s explore other options together.”
"I want to be here for you, but I also think someone with more expertise can help in a way I can’t."
“What do you think about reaching out to a support group or an advocate? They might have more experience with this.”
“I want you to know that it’s perfectly okay to seek help from someone with more experience in these matters.”

Phrases to avoid:

"I can help you more than a therapist can."
"I know exactly how you feel; I’ve been through something similar."
"I’ll fix this for you; you won’t need anyone else."
"I think you just need to move on; I can help with that."
“I don’t really know what to do, but I’ll figure it out.”
“I’m sure I can help you through this.”

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

Let us be champions of change and advocates of awareness. As the saying goes, “In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” Every thoughtful response and compassionate action can make a significant difference for those who have suffered.

Creating a supportive awareness system within society can catalyze profound change, not only for survivors but for everyone. Picture a garden, where each plant represents an individual’s story. A thriving garden provides each plant with sunlight, water, and nutrients, while a neglected one struggles to survive. By cultivating an environment of awareness and compassion, we empower survivors to flourish. Open dialogue and accessible resources serve as nourishing soil for healing, supporting those who have experienced trauma and breaking the cycle of abuse.

When survivors feel validated and heard, they are more likely to seek help, leading to greater awareness and advocacy against all forms of abuse. This ripple effect inspires others to join the movement toward eradicating abuse in our communities. Each act of support strengthens the roots of change, fostering a healthier, more resilient society. Together, we can cultivate a culture where every individual thrives, healing is a shared journey, and the cycle of abuse is broken for once and all. The seeds of change are within our grasp; let’s nurture them together.

Imagine a future where our communities are not just collections of individuals but sanctuaries of healing and empowerment. By investing in awareness and support systems, we can just not uplift survivors but also contribute to a world free from abuse.

You might want to read our first blog in the blog series on abuse survivors which give answer to what abuse is, who a survivor is, its impact, and why they react, backed up by science. And stay tuned for the next part of this blog series on abuse survivors.

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